Filthy Habit
by Kerrymdb
Summary: OneShot! Set during OotP. Sirius is in need of a cigarette. Now. Or there will be trouble. Rated for language and mild sexual themes.


_Disclaimer – All these characters belong to the fantabulous J.K. Rowling. _

_A/N – I've become one-shot happy lately. (And I'm going through a Tonks phase apparently, too). This story takes place during the first week of term in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It is in no way connected with any other story that I've written. _

**Filthy Habit**

Sirius Black was in trouble. A lot of trouble. So much trouble that he didn't know where to begin.

He needed a fag.

Desperately.

And he needed one now.

'TONKS!' he roared as he threw a handful of floo powder into the fire, hoping that his favorite second cousin would be at home. That wasn't much a compliment. Her being his favorite second cousin. After all, Sirius only had two and the other was named Draco Malfoy and he was disqualified simply because he was a Malfoy.

There was no response. So he tried again.

'TONKS!'

He waited, tapping his foot nervously. Where the hell was she? Didn't the nymph realize that she was supposed to be at the escaped convict's beck and call? Unless…maybe she got attacked by Death Eaters. Shit. That would be bad. Really bad.

'Padfoot, you're going to wake up your mum,' said Remus, frowning, as he walked down the kitchen stairs.

'What the bloody hell do you want?' yelled back the voice from the fire. Good. Death Eaters didn't kill her.

'Is that Tonks?' asked Remus as he busied himself making a cup of tea.

Sirius didn't bother to nod because he was too busy putting his head in the fire. Through the green flames, Tonks' bright pink hair took on an odd orange color.

'Got any fags?'

'Is that why you woke me up?' demanded Tonks, arms crossed over her chest. 'Go to hell.'

She got up off of the floor where she had been sitting Indian style.

'Tonks, please,' pleaded Sirius. 'I'm desperate.'

'Filthy habit,' muttered Remus, taking a sip of tea.

'No one asked you, Moony,' snapped Sirius, his head still in the fire.

'I baby sat you, little Nymph. Think of all those times I let you play with my hair when you were a snot-nosed brat. You owe me,' said Sirius. He didn't really didn't want to use this particular bargaining chip, not today, but he had no choice.

Tonks looked back at him, her hands on her hips. 'I'm out,' she said simply. 'I smoked my last one before I went to bed.'

'How can you be out?' cried Sirius. 'You had a full pack last night! I saw them with my own eyes!'

Her eyes softened a bit. 'That was before you chain smoked most of them after you talked to Harry through the fire.'

'Did I?' asked Sirius. 'That was shitty of me.' Sirius shuddered, remembering that conversation. First, it took forever for the common room to clear out, and then Harry acted like he didn't want to see him. Just thinking about it again made Sirius want a fag even more. If that was even possible.

'Yes, it was,' yawned Tonks, stretching her arms over her head. 'Give me five minutes and I'll floo over there.'

'Ta,' said Sirius, bringing his head out of the fire. He looked over at Remus, who seemed to have perked up at the notion of Tonks coming over. Sirius laughed to himself. He saw how Remus looked at the young witch. Though Remus would do good to watch himself. Tonks would eat him for breakfast.

'Want a cuppa?' asked Remus lazily.

Sirius shook his head. There were only two things he wanted right now: nicotine and coffee. And sex. Can't forget about that. Sometimes that was more important than nicotine, but not at the present moment.

He tapped his wand on the coffee maker and inhaled deeply. Wonderful smell. Bloody marvelous invention, coffee. He wondered who invented it. Someday, if he ever was able to leave this god forsaken house, he'd set up a shrine to the inventor of coffee. And nicotine. And sex. Can't forget about that.

The wand felt wrong in his hand. Dumbledore gave him a second hand wand from the stock of wands given to students who can't afford their own. Sirius missed his old wand. Cherry and dragon heart string. He didn't even bother to ask what this piece of shit wand was made of.

There was a faint din from the fire. 'Incoming,' said Sirius as he poured his coffee and waited for the inevitable.

'Bugger.'

'Help her up, Moony,' ordered Sirius. Tonks could be far too predictable sometimes.

'Here you go,' said Remus, bending over and offering his hands. Tonks shook her head, took his hands and got up off of the floor.

'Thanks for that,' said Tonks, laughing. Sirius noticed that their hands lingered together for a moment. But that wasn't odd. Tonks was a very touchy feely type person. She would put her hand on your shoulder, your back, your knee. Perhaps that's why they both liked her so much; Remus and Sirius being both starved for physical contact. But that was Remus' psycho babble bullshit. Not his. Sirius liked Tonks because she cursed like a man, fought like a man and would accidentally break priceless Black family heirlooms because of her clumsiness.

Sirius took a big sallow of coffee. 'And you're sure you don't have any fags?'

'I told you,' said Tonks, helping herself to a cup of coffee. 'I don't have a single ciggy.'

'Filthy habit,' muttered Remus again under his breath.

'Oh, no one asked you,' grinned Tonks as she sat down at the kitchen table.

'Get me some?' begged Sirius.

'Is that why you called me here? To get you bloody fags?' demanded Tonks. 'Why can't Remus get you some?'

Sirius shot Remus a dirty look. 'Remus has principles,' said Sirius slowly. 'He won't buy me anything that could possibly kill me.'

'Right, then,' said Tonks, raising her eyebrows.

'Apparently, he doesn't see the irony that since he doesn't have any Wolfsbane potion yet, he could possibly kill me when he transforms,' said Sirius, shaking his head sagely.

'Don't say that,' sighed Remus. 'I just don't want to buy you cigarettes. Is that a crime?'

'Should be,' muttered Sirius under his breath. He looked over quickly to Tonks, to seek her opinion on the smatter, and found her chin resting on her hand, her eyes closed. 'Wake up, Nymph. We're having a crisis!'

Tonks shook her head and took another sip of coffee. 'Sleepy.'

'No excuse,' barked Sirius.

'Mad muggle, Sirius,' complained Tonks. 'We were up until five o'clock in the morning. And it's only eight o'clock now.'

'Get me fags?' asked Sirius sweetly. Well, as sweetly as he was willing to be for cigs, anyways. And to be honest, he could be pretty damn sweet when he wanted to be. For fags. And sex. Can't forget about that.

Tonks looked embarrassed. 'I'd go…but…'

'No buts!' cried Sirius. 'Please, Tonks. Need. Cigarettes. Now.'

'I flooed in sick,' said Tonks, grinning sheepishly. 'I can't go into Diagon Alley. Someone will see me. I'll get in trouble.'

'Diagon Alley isn't the only place that sells fags, Tonks!' said Sirius. There was a vein popping dangerously out of his forehead. He could feel it. It might burst if he didn't get a fag soon. And then he would have died by vein bursting, not cigarette smoking and it would make Remus feel as guilty as hell.

'She can't go out into London alone, Padfoot,' said Remus.

'Shit,' mumbled Sirius. Dumbledore's new rule. Any member of the Order going into muggle London must be accompanied by another Order member.

'That's a stupid rule,' said Tonks mutinously. 'I live in a muggle apartment building.'

'Moony…' Sirius trailed off.

'No, Padfoot,' said Remus. 'Don't even think it.'

'Tonks will do the actually buying, Moony. You just have to walk with her. There's a shop eight blocks away,' begged Sirius.

'No,' said Remus adamantly.

'Damn you and your principles!' shouted Sirius. 'I'm dying here!'

Sirius racked his brains for an idea. He didn't think he could summon a pack. There was nothing that he could transfigure. Wait a bloody minute…

'Are you or are you not a metamorph, Nymph?' screamed Sirius. 'Just go morph into someone else, go to Diagon Alley and get me fags!'

'Does he ever listen, Remus?' asked Tonks. Remus shook his head and took a sip of tea.

'I'm s-l-e-e-p-y. Sleepy. Meaning, exhausted. Meaning that I couldn't do a full body or facial morph to save my life,' explained Tonks. 'Meaning I shouldn't even have morphed my hair today.'

Sirius allowed himself to be distracted for a moment thinking about that. He had never seen Tonks' real hair. And suddenly he had a very strong desire to see just that. 'What's it look like?'

'No,' said Tonks, shaking her head. 'You will never see it.'

'Do you have the Black family hair?' asked Remus interestedly.

'The only way either of you will ever see my real hair is if I'm dead or if I sink into a depression so bad that I can't morph,' said Tonks thoughtfully. 'And that happened once at Hogwarts. Not my fault if you weren't there to see it.'

'I don't want to see your real hair then,' said Remus quickly.

'Me, neither,' said Sirius, his slightly shaky hand covering his mouth. 'Jesus, Tonks. Way to make all the fun leave the room.'

'Were we having fun?' asked Tonks mischievously. 'I was under the impression that being desperate for a ciggy wasn't much fun at all.'

Then it hit him. How to get his fags. It was so simple yet so complex at the same time. Sometimes the brilliance of his mind scared even him.

'I'll go with you,' announced Sirius proudly. And he waited for their reactions. They would be stunned by the sheer audacity of the plan. They would admire his courage. And apparently they would look at him like he was absolutely insane.

'Have you lost your mind?' asked Tonks. 'Go with me?'

'Wait, wait, wait,' said Sirius, cursing himself. The presentation was all wrong. Of course they thought he was nuts. What he suggested was nuts. 'Let's try this again.'

A moment later he was in his animagus form and he barked happily. Then he turned back into himself again.

'What did I tell you?' beamed Sirius. 'Brilliant!'

Remus and Tonks looked at each other for a moment. Remus said 'Absolutely not,' at the exact same time Tonks said, 'All right, let's go.'

'Tonks wins!' cried Sirius in delight. He knew it had only been a week since he dropped Harry off at King's Cross Station but that felt forever ago.

'Wait a minute,' said Remus seriously. 'This is not a good idea.'

'Too late!' said Sirius, rubbing his hands together. 'Tonks said I can go.'

'Tonks-' started Remus.

'Bloody hell, Remus,' said Tonks quickly. 'I'm an Auror. I'll take his wand with me in case we just happen to be attacked by Death Eaters.'

'I really don't like this,' said Remus, not looking at Sirius.

'Then just come with us,' said Tonks matter of factly.

'Fine,' pouted Remus. Sirius couldn't keep himself from laughing. It felt like they were back at Hogwarts, convincing Remus to join in on a prank. But this time, the part of James was being played by Tonks. Hmm…must remember to ask Tonks if she can morph into a fully functional man…Maybe he'd get her drunk and try to get stories out of her. Tonks was raunchy, he'd bet a sackful of galleons that she had. If he was a metamorph, the first thing he'd do is have sex as a girl. And then have a fag. And then some coffee.

Sirius drank the rest of his coffee and slammed down the coffee cup on the table. 'Let's go.'

Remus was droning on about what they needed to take with them as they walked up the stairs. Blah, blah, blah, but Remus was always practical like that.

He transformed into his animagus form and Tonks tied a bit of rope around him neck. Can't have the muggle enforcers arrest them, can they? What a story that would be for the rest of the Order. Would Death Eaters be able to find him in a pound? Better not to risk running around outside loose.

They walked outside and Sirius stretched him front legs in front of him. It was bloody gorgeous outside. He started to lead the way, but eased his way behind Remus and Tonks, listening in their conversation.

'Why'd you start smoking?' asked Remus curiously.

'Dunno,' said Tonks. 'Started at Hogwarts. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. So are you telling me that you never smoked in your life?'

'Never,' said Remus. 'Filthy habit.'

Bullshit! Sirius thought to himself. He tried to say it, but he ended up sounding like he was choking on a hairball. Remus looked back and Sirius gave him a growl.

'Damn you, Padfoot,' muttered Remus. 'I smoked a cigar at James' bachelor party.'

'Naughty Remus,' said Tonks slyly.

'Hardly,' said Remus, giving a forced laugh.

Tonks lightly punched Remus on the shoulder and then took his arm. And then Remus blushed. He actually blushed.

Oh, Sirius was going to have to do something about that. His best friend had obviously fallen for the clumsy vixen. Who could have man sex if she wanted. But hopefully not with Remus. Unless Remus wanted to. And if he did, Sirius really didn't want to know about it. Okay, Sirius would admit that he might be slightly curious, but he'd act like he didn't want to know about it.

Sirius barked happily once the corner shop was in sight. Tonks handed Remus the rope and ran ahead. The shop door was open and he heard Tonks ask for two packets of Dunhills and two packets of Djarum Black Cloves. He hated cloves. Unless there was nothing else to smoke, like last night. Then he would smoke anything. Even Tonks' bloody cloves.

'Got them!' said Tonks, holding the packets over her head in triumph.

It was taking all of Sirius' will power not to change back to his human form and have a smoke right now. Could dogs smoke? They could, couldn't they? Dogs have mouths and lungs. That's all that was needed, wasn't it?

There was tug at his neck and Sirius realized that they were leaving. He decided to take matters into his own hands. Well…paws actually, but that was completely besides the point. The moment Remus handed the rope back to Tonks, Sirius made a run for it. Remus couldn't run well. But Tonks. She could run. They would be back at Headquarters in no time.

'Bloody hell, Snuffles!'

Just a few minutes later, they were up the stairs and Sirius couldn't stop barking as Tonks tried to open the door. He knew the moment she stepped on the rug she would fall, partly because she was due for a tumble and because it would make him wait that much longer for his fags. And fate was cruel like that.

'There,' said Tonks as she opened up the door and Sirius ran inside and transformed back into himself.

'Don't torment me, Tonks,' whispered Sirius. She stepped carefully into the hallway, looking surprised that she didn't fall. 'Into the kitchen.'

Sirius grabbed her arm and escorted her down to the kitchen so she wouldn't fall and delay his ciggy. As they reached the landing, he could hear Remus coming in from outside. Tonks dug through her robe and threw Sirius one of the packets of Dunhills.

He practically ripped open the packet and looked inside. Beautiful, glorious fags. 'A…B…C…D…E,' said Sirius to himself, turning the lucky cig upside down.

'E, I see,' said Tonks, grinning. 'I wonder who that could be?'

Sirius turned his back to her while he lit the fag and took a slow, long drag. And suddenly everything was right with the world. He had coffee. He had a fag. He didn't have sex, though. So that was would have to become a priority. Especially with the wee ones out of the house, now. He pictured Emmeline's face and the way she looked at him during the last Order meeting. Heh. Sex.

Can't forget about that.

88888

A/N – Remember kids, smoking is bad! But it can make for some really good comedy. And speaking of comedy, this was my first attempt at writing a funny, kinda off the wall story. Did it work? I was laughing my ass off at some parts, but that's just me. I have a strange sense of humor. Did you find it funny? Did it stink up the place? Was it only ho-hum? And it was kinda a different writing style than I usually use. I really enjoyed writing this so if it didn't complete suck, I might try to write another funny piece. Please, please, please take a moment to review and let me know if it stunk or not. If it did, you can tell me. I can take it! Cheers!


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